


They Came From Outer Space (And Left Because Humans Are Nuts)

by TehLastUnicron



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Country boys are tough, Crack, Gen, Humor, Mentions of spitting, Mentions of tobacco use, Murica, Some mentions of guns, don’t fuck with them, firearms, no one gets hurt other than Sendak’s ego, tagging just to be safe, yeah it’s gross I’m sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-07
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-06-23 09:13:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15603114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TehLastUnicron/pseuds/TehLastUnicron
Summary: The mighty Galra Empire discovers a force that even they cannot overcome.





	They Came From Outer Space (And Left Because Humans Are Nuts)

The advance cruiser touched down in a remote area early one morning, the air still cool and the dew sparkling on the grass... Sendak thought idly to himself as he stepped down from the ramp and surveyed their surroundings that he might enjoy being given governance of this planet once the invasion was complete.

 

A rustling in the bushes caused the party of Galra to pause, senses on alert... they all jumped and a few yelped as a large and rather majestic horned beast emerged from the trees, catching one look at them before whirling and bolting in the opposite direction.

 

Sendak turned to address his men and got as far as opening his mouth when a deep male voice rang out from the canopy above them, “Okay, this isn’t funny! Which one of you jokers messed up my shot?”

 

“I don’t think anyone else is down there, Jim,” another voice called from above.

 

“Well dammit, that was at least a sixteen pointer!” The first voice called back, lower now. “If I get down there and find out one of you screwed That up, I will be popping open a can of Whoop-Ass!”

The Galra all looked at each other in confusion as a group of male humans began descending on them from all directions, dressed in odd leaf patterned clothing with orange vests draped over them. “Halt-“ Sendak barked at both the approaching humans and his own men, some of whom looked deeply unnerved and ready to bolt.

 

The humans fixed them with hard, suspicious stares. One man in particular, a thickset, red-faced man, stepped forward and looked them over almost disdainfully. “You boys filmin’ a movie or something?” he asked. “If you are, this is a real bad place to be doin’ it. This is an active hunting area.”

 

“Oo-wee, boys, look at that!” A tall, muscular blond man exclaimed, the first voice they’d heard after landing (“Jim”?) as he gestured to the cruiser sitting in a clearing. “That’s a pretty fancy nerdmobile, isn’t it? These boys went all out for their little Star Wars knockoff, didn’t they?”

 

Sendak began getting the distinct feeling that these humans were mocking him, andhe was deeply insulted. How dare these puny beasts?! How dare they.... “Humans,” he bellowed. “Surrender in peace. We will lay claim to your planet, and it will go much easier if you submit. If not, we will crush you!”

Sendak folded his arms and waited for the humans to begin groveling, but... it didn’t happen. In fact, his speech had quite the opposite effect on them. Their stances became more aggressive and a few of them even appeared to be readying the odd weapons they carried.

 

“Look here, Chewbacca,” the thickset man drawled, turning his head momentarily to spit some repulsive brown substance onto the leaf-strewn ground before once again fixing Sendak with a hard, cold stare, “I don’t know where the hell you come from, and I don’t care... but I do suggest that you get back in your little rattletrap and go back there.”

 

Sendak was utterly stunned. These humans feared not the mighty Galra empire? What did they know... what were they capable of? The whole idea left him rather flustered....

 

“Silence!” Sendak boomed after regaining his composure. “I will not tolerate your insolence...” the men blinked almost in unison and then they did something unexpected. They laughed. Loud, guffawing laughter from every one of them, some shaking a bit, some slapping their knees.

 

“Ha... hear that Bobby?” The thickset fellow slapped the arm of the tall, lanky man next to him. “Garfield there wants us to be quiet. Should we?”

 

“Bobby” cackled and leaned on the other man. “Nah, I don’t think so, Britt. He wants us to be quiet, he can come over here and make us.”

 

“Damn right,” “Britt” replied. “I bet he can’t make us do shit.”

 

“Come on, Bubba,” “Jim” guffawed, stepping forward. “Square up. If you kick my ass, we’ll humor your little game. But if I beat you, you and your little nerd buddies get back in the nerdmobile and haul your carcasses back out of here.”

 

The Galra all gasped and looked to their leader, whose expression was slowly morphing from confusion to a deep rage. “Puny human!” Sendak bellowed, raising his prosthetic arm. “FEEL MY WRATH-“ he pressed the button and... nothing. Nothing at all. He frantically pressed again, and again, and then cursed quietly as he came to the horrifying realization that apparently Galra tech was neutralized by this planet’s atmosphere.

 

This, of course, set off another round of belly laughs from the humans. “Look, Jimmy,” a short, stout man cackled, “his little Robocop arm didn’t work! Maybe next time he shouldn’t use them damn dollar store batteries?”

 

“Ha,” “Jim” barked. “Yeah, I see that, Bo. He’s bluffin’. Come on, boy, quit draggin’ ass. Let’s go.” The man took a fighting stance. “Show me what ya got, Poindexter.”

 

The man’s aggressive posturing and the open mirth in the other humans’ voices as they hooted and catcalled (“you show ‘em, Jimmy!”) pushed Sendak over the edge and he roared, lunging forward to catch hold of “Jim”- only to find himself catapulting through the air, landing hard on his back with a thud and a groan, the wind knocked completely from his lungs.

 

Another thing he didn’t account for? The strong gravitational pull of this planet. “Jim”’s face loomed ominously over him as he lay stunned and trying to pull air back into his lungs.

 

“Three things, son,” “Jim” said slowly and in a low tone. “One, I was a three-time state wrestling champion. Two, my daddy raises Charolais cattle and I’ve held down many a rank old calf to be castrated to sell to some 4-H kid for a fair project. Three... once a Marine, always a Marine.” “Jim” spit a long stream of that disgusting brown liquid (did all humans do that?) and added, “I can do this all day if I need to.”

 

Sendak gasped again and struggled to get enough air into his lungs to give the command- “A-attack,” he croaked.

 

“Jim” raised an eyebrow. “Do what?” he boomed.

 

“Attack,” Sendak gasped at his men who were hanging back uncertainly. A few of them hesitantly raised their swords and rushed forward....

 

BLAM! BLAM! The Galra yelped and dropped to the ground, arms covering their heads as the short fellow (“Bo”?) lowered the odd sort of firearm he was carrying. “You’re a special kind of stupid, aren’t you?” “Bo” drawled. “Now, I don’t miss unless I intend to,” he added. “I intended to that time. But- you pull a stunt like that and try to attack us again, I will defend myself and my buddies, and I won’t miss. Got it?”

 

That did it. The Galra leapt up from the ground and ran backward, arms raised in a submissive gesture. Sendak, too, managed to get to his feet and back away.

 

“Get on out of here, right now.” “Britt” told them sternly. “Go on.”

 

“Retreat,” Sendak rasped and the Galra skittered back to their cruiser, huddling low until the men dispersed back into the woods and taking off like a streak the minute they were out of sight.

 

“Command 1 to Castle,” Sendak sighed into the radio. “Abort invasion. I repeat, abort. Earth is too hostile an environment and humans too savage and violent. The risks are far too great for any possible benefits. Abort. Abort.”

 

_____________________________

 

“Sorry I didn’t bring anything home, sugar cookie,” Jim told his petite, pretty wife Annie as he sat down at their kitchen table that night. “Some ol’ nerd boys were crashin’ around in the woods and scarin’ all the deer off. Damnedest thing I’ve seen in a little while. They got real salty with us when we asked ‘em to leave.”

 

“Be careful, baby,” Annie told him worriedly. “City folk can be a little crazy.”

 

“Oh, don’t worry, hon, they’re long gone.” Jim grinned and took a sip from his glass of sweet tea. “So, what’s for dinner?”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so this is partially due to me reading the “humans are space orcs” tag on Tumblr lol and partially due to having lived in small town southern US and known guys like Jim, Bobby, Bo and Britt  
> I don’t even know it’s crack ok  
> MURICA lol  
> To this day those boys have no idea that they stopped an alien invasion they still think that some jerks making a shitty sci-fi movie tried to rumble with them  
> The Paladins got some intel that the Galra got their asses kicked on earth and there was much rejoicing  
> Yes “you’re a special kind of stupid” is from the Big Lebowski I’m not really sorry lmao  
> Lola should not be left unsupervised too long she does weird shit  
> Welp


End file.
